P buys Bitcoins

A parody of Madame Zeroni's song in Holes
“If only, if only,” Mr P sighs,
"The price of cryptos would go up so high"
While he waits below, hungry and lonely,
Longing for BTC to moo-oo-oon,
"If only, if only.”




It was a pleasant Saturday afternoon and P had just got up and had a shower. As he was getting out to buy his burger for lunch, P saw his neighbour, a stock trader by profession, pruning his rose bushes in the garden and went over to the picket fence to have a chat.
Neighbour: “P, I hope you won't mind but I have to ask you this question. You are looking very tired these days. What's up?”
P: “I'll let you into my secret. You see, I am planning to buy a Lamborghini."
Neighbour astonishedly: "Did you win the lotto or something?”
P: “No, but I am into crypto currency these days and so I can hardly sleep. And maybe that's why I look tired.”
Neighbour: “Ah! I see… So what coins?”
P: “Only bitcoin.”
Neighbour: “Are you long or short?”
P was puzzled and stunned, wondering why his neighbour who was normally very circumspect and prudent, was changing the topic from crypto trading to his physical dimensions......
Tired of his old Getz, he longed for a Lambo
And though without a twin or a name like Winklevoss,
P went into crypto-world like daring Rambo,
Hoping it would  end all his monetary woes!

But P bit off more than what he could chew,
When he borrowed money from his credit card
And bitcoins he could buy just one or two;
His get-rich-quick plans were totally marred!

Of blockchain and cryptos P had no clue
And had bought the BTC at its peak,
Hoping its value would then accrue;
But crashing prices left his future bleak.

He was sleepless, tracking crypto price,
As he HODLed onto his coins tight;
Fud and fomo made his heart rate rise
As bulls and bears made their daily fight.

He doesn't get what is ‘short’ or ‘long’
But if only, if only BTC would moon,
He can stop singing that soulful song
From “Holes", he sings so out of tune;
For his neighbours, it would be such a boon!

On collusion between ‘would’ and ‘wouldn’t’ and blue moon and blood moon

Blood moon that comes so rare

But more often than a blue

Had P enthralled in wishful thoughts

To watch the eclipse in the early dawn

And he went about to lay out his plans!

But his love for creature comforts

And the usual sleep-in on a Saturday

Eclipsed his desire to watch

The much talked of phenomenon!

(But maybe it was just Fake News?)

Yet, P wondered how he missed the sight

Even with all his well set plans

But P shrugged it off as the norm

Of collusion that is seen these days

When ‘would’ and ‘wouldn’t’ can interchange!

P had decided to get up at 4 am on the 28th morning to watch the lunar eclipse. He had read that it was going to be a phenomenal sight in the sky with the blood moon and the glowing Mars next to it. So, for the sake of watching the blood moon, for once in a blue  moon, P decided to get up before daybreak. However, P always considered that though his spirit was more than willing, his flesh was weak and often betrayed him. He could not be sure that he wouldn’t (would?) just turn his alarm off and continue to sleep when it woke him in time to watch the eclipse. He therefore decided to rope in his neighbour into the scheme of things and had a long chat with him on the phone about how worthwhile it would (wouldn’t) be to watch the eclipse.

Finally, P convinced his neighbour on what he would (wouldn’t) be missing out, if he would not (would) watch the eclipse, and how such an opportunity wouldn’t (would) present itself for a long, long time. He also managed to get his neighbour promise to give P a phone call around 4 am, to ensure that P gets up in case P’s alarm clock did not serve its purpose.

Everything thus organised, P decided to go to bed early and went about his pre_bed routine. He set his alarm clock to ring at 4 am next morning. He brushed and flossed his teeth, and jumped into his pyjamas. He switched off his phone, put it to charge and turned off the lights. P then hopped onto his bed, snuggled down comfortably and switched on the TV to watch a bit of Fake News but went on to watch a movie on Netflix. It was quite late when he finally switched off the TV and sleep could embrace him.
The next day P got a glimpse of the phenomenal blood moon through the photos people put on the internet and also from those that were taken by his neighbour whom he saw late in the afternoon, working on his garden.

P did not question his neighbour on whether he had tried calling P on the phone as he had promised he would. P did not question as to whether he himself wouldn’t have switched off his phone by accident or turned off the alarm clock when it rang, had he been more committed.

Finally it all came to a collusion between ‘would’ and ‘wouldn’t’. These were times when ‘would’ and ‘wouldn’t’ could be interchanged so easily and even at the very highest of echelons of power. It didn’t need a blue moon for that to happen, let alone a blood moon!

P is not for POTUS or for Putin

Things were not looking good for P and he was worried when he returned to blogosphere after a long break. He had chosen to be known as P rather than by his name 'Pillai' which could also be translated as 'baby' in South Indian languages. But, quite a few things starting with the letter P were showing up in collusion and in bad light or even trying to silence P--- stars, on the sly! And now there was this big baby blimp in a diaper going to be floating in the skies in London!

However, P had no intention of going anywhere overseas, let alone London, any time in the near future especially with all that was happening with immigration and border security. He worried that his visa may be cancelled for no reason. He worried that he could be separated from his family and be put in a detention centre. Times were so bad that, that was what was happening to kids these days! After all, his name suggested that he was a child too!

A big orange blimp, up in the sky;
It broke his heart, not to see it fly!
But with new rules and travel ban,
P worried about his dark skin and tan!

Staying home was not much fun,
But safer than a trip to London.
For times were bad and children sad,
Separated from mums and dads!

Mr P - On One way trip to Mars and Aliens..............

image copyright Lekha Sreekantan

“Oh, why would you want to go on a one way trip to Mars?” asked Kris.
“Why wouldn’t I? I think it would be awesome. And I would be on TV!” Mr P was making conversation over the fence, with his neighbor Kris.
It was a Saturday morning and Mr P had gone out to get the newspaper. The sun was shining through the trees. The birds were singing, flowers were smiling, bees were humming and butterflies flitting happily. In other words, Mr P was feeling particularly elated as it was the weekend and he could laze at home. That was reason enough for him to stop by and chitchat with his neighbor who was pruning the shrubbery in his garden. After local politics, the subject had veered round to the Mars trip and Mr P had started the topic with “You know, the booking for that one way trip to Mars finished last week. And I just missed it by a whisker,”
He had then started to point out the things that deterred him. There would be no television in Mars. Nor would there be any of his favourite haunts such as Pizza Hut, KFC or McDonalds. “There would be plenty of parking space, I believe” continued Mr P trying to find some advantages for Mars.
“No point in having parking space without cars” argued Kris. “I guess you would only be walking….. and that too in your space suit.”
“I wouldn’t mind walking around in a space suit always. But somebody would have to wake me up quite often. It looks quite comfy and I think l’d fall asleep in it. As long as there is no summer in Mars….” Mr P crossed his arms and closed his eyes picturing himself in a space suit. He wouldn’t mind getting one for the South Dakota winters. He regretted that winters were still too cold on earth even with all the global warming.
“The paper says two hundred and two thousand, five hundred and eighty-six people have volunteered from all over the world.  I wonder why more haven’t applied” he brought his thoughts back onto the topic.
Standing back to take a look at the pruned plant, Kris muttered “Well, those who have some sort of family, probably will not want to go”.
“We can’t generalize that. There are a few people whose family would badly want them to go on a never return trip to Mars.” Mr P quipped.
“And I don’t mean you” Mr P added hastily when he saw his neighbour’s forehead crease into a frown.
Eyes on his shears, Kris mumbled “There are a few people whose neighbourswould badly want them to take the trip too……..”
At that point, Mr P realized that for his continued good health, he had to break the conversation then and there. He hastily said farewell and scooted back into the house. After Mr P had finished his breakfast he googled up more of the details of the trip to Mars as the earlier discussion was still uppermost in his mind. He scrolled through the website and was amazed at the requirements that were specified for the candidates. It seemed as if they were listed specifically with him in mind! He down-loaded the page and took a print of it. Kris was still in his garden, so he rushed out with it.
“They have listed on their website, the characteristics the candidates need to have. I think I would have met all the criteria perfectly. Here, take a look” he cried, and handed the paper over the fence.
Dubiously, Kris put his shears down, rubbed his hands on the sides of his gardening pants and grabbed the paper.

extracted from http://www.mars-one.com/en/faq-en/21-faq-selection/251-do-i-qualify-to-apply

“Resiliency, adaptability, curiosity, ability to trust, creativity and resourcefulness” Kris read out the main headings loudly, trying hard to hold his mirth back…“Hmmmmm… Some of these fit you well. But if you ask me, not all!” Kris tried to say diplomatically.”Resiliency: I must admit you have that quality. “Let’s look at them one by one. ” Kris then proceeded to list out the expectations for the potential Mars trekkers and his take on how Mr P would fit in each case.
“Your thought processes are persistent: Otherwise why would you still keep trying to borrow my car?”
“You persevere and remain productive: I have heard how hard you try to control the fire ants in your tropical home but sure, the ants remain productive and keep multiplying!”
“You see the connection between your internal and external self: Don’t you fall asleep when doing yoga and meditation? Is it that, your external self, is then trying to catch up with your internal self or vice versa?”
 “You have a “Can do!” attitude: Otherwise, how would you even come up with the idea of volunteering for Mars? I admire your cheek!”
” Let’s  discuss curiosity….. I agree with you there. Aren’t you always wondering what’s happening this side of the fence?”
At this point, Mr P was not sure whether Kris was admiring him or making fun of him. Slightly piqued, he asked Kris who could be good candidates in his opinion.
“Dedicated scientists may want to go” said Kris.
“But, if I were a scientist, I’d rather somebody reach there first and confirm it’s safe before I go. Or what if I die before I report my findings? It would be such a waste,” countered Mr P.
He kept the conversation rolling. “Depending on if any beautiful women have applied and will be chosen, I’d be happy to go if they accept late applications. Shouldn’t there be a “knight in shining space suit” to protect the women from all those aliens?”
He asked Kris if a pepper spray would be handy in that case.
“Don’t worry” said Kris. “The deodorant you spray on you, would keep even aliens at bay.”
Mr P had not fully digested this information before his mind was boggled by what Kris said next. “You know how the US border security and immigration call people from other countries ‘aliens’? Well, if we humans go to space and find some aliens, are they the aliens or are we the aliens?”
It took some time for Mr P to get his head round the question. He was still mulling over it as he returned back into the house. “Are they the aliens or are we the aliens?” he kept asking himself.

Dances with elephants-Mr P takes a joy ride!

There is nothing wrong in dreaming about riding an elephant! Mr P wanted to ride an elephant, get his picture taken in that glory, and post it on Facebook. This wish had budded in his mind ever since he saw the movie Bride and Prejudice, where the hero and heroine rode on an elephant in the last scene. Mr P had thought it was pretty cool!

So this time on his trip to India, Mr P visited the elephant park at Kottoor near Thiruvananthapuram in Kerala. As soon as he reached the place, Mr P booked his ride straight away. He was worried that if all the people visiting the park decided to take an elephant ride, he would be deprived of the opportunity. He was given a time to turn up at a spot for his ride and in the meantime, Mr P decided to take a walk around the park. He saw several elephants, the proboscideans ranged from very young hairy ones to huge giants. It was then that Mr P realized that he was actually quite nervous about riding an elephant. Mr P felt he needed to keep at a distance from them, even from the baby ones. The baby elephants were too playful and seemed to want to tickle his ears with their trunks! As for the big, adult elephants, he felt them giving him such deep looks as if they knew all his darkest secrets, even the nightly fridge raids! Indeed he had heard about how intelligent elephants were. 

Mr P now started having serious reservations about the elephant ride but was worried that if he withdrew now, it would make him look like a coward. When the time came, with shaking legs, he made his way to the location.

The mahout was waiting for him with a huge elephant. 

Faint heartedly, Mr P gazed at the large mammal which seemed to give him a mean, disdainful look.

“Can I have a ride on that elephant?” Mr P asked pointing to a frolicking baby elephant that stood some distance away.

“Oh! No sir! It is too small to carry people. We only use adult elephants for rides,” said the mahout.

With no way of escape, Mr P decided to climb on top of the giant that had now bent down on its knees at the instance of the mahout.

“If Tarzan can do it, so can I,” muttered Mr P as he proceeded to mount.

Climbing onto the back of an elephant was indeed a feat and after several aborted attempts, Mr P finally made it to the top. As the elephant stood up erect, he sat astride on its back. Those who have sat astride on top of an elephant would realize how wide apart you have to keep your legs! It was almost like doing the splits!

As the elephant moved forward, Mr P felt very uncomfortable, so much so that he decided to change his position to side-straddle. Slowly he moved his legs around. However, on sitting sideways he found that he had moved too much to one side. He kept sliding further down the side of the elephant every time it moved. His silky, smooth track pants were partly to be blamed for this.  A flustered Mr P then decided to return back to his original position and he started moving his legs around again. However, he had lost his sense of orientation in his anxiety and when he finished adjusting his seating, he found that he was facing the back of the elephant! So Mr P started to turn around again.

Changing one’s position atop a moving elephant is not an easy task for a person riding an elephant for the first time, but misfortune had not glanced his way yet. With the last move however, Mr P nearly fell off and was saved only by grabbing the rope around the elephant’s neck. Somehow he maneuvered himself back on top. He was now lying prostrate on top of the elephant, facing its tail end and hugging the animal for dear life. Hearing a loud applause he slowly lifted up his head and saw that he had gathered a huge audience. People thought they were watching an atop-the-elephant-acrobatic show. The mahout however, had no such conceptions and decided to end the joy ride. Very soon (though it felt like eternity to Mr P), the elephant stopped moving and the mahout got it to kneel down. He gathered brave Mr P from the back of the animal. He had nearly fainted. With an end to all the wriggling and squiggling on its back, the Elephas maximus indicus breathed a deep sigh of relief and stood up. No pictures or videos were taken, so Facebook missed a hilarious upload! 

The mahout and the elephant walked away traumatised. Both seemed to need counselling!

Mr P (the Avatar of Mr Bean) and Too Many Cooks.........

Mr P waited anxiously for the door bell to ring. He was nervous about the interview with his new cook. His old cook was bedridden with a broken hip from slipping on the liquid from a broken egg that had fallen off the fridge door (courtesy of Mr P who had carefully removed the pieces of egg shell but forgot all about the liquid originally held within).

When the bell finally rang, Mr P rushed to open the door to find a neatly dressed lady and happily he welcomed her in.

“Come in, Come in. You are right on time. Let’s go to the kitchen straight away”, he said and led the meekly obliging lady to the kitchen.

In the kitchen Mr P embarked on his orientation class for new cooks, showing where utensils and grocery were and how he liked his eggs cooked and what he wanted for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Every now and then the lady did try to put in a word but Mr P just brushed her doubts away saying, “Don’t you worry! Cooking for me is just a piece of cake!” He never gave her a chance to proceed.

At last, when Mr P was finally out of breath, he stopped but then the door bell rang again. On his way to the door he asked, “Well, do you cook a mean meal? Are you a good cook?”

“I think I am”, said the lady. “But I cook only for my family and myself”.

A puzzled Mr P opened the door to find another lady outside. “I have come for the cook’s job”, said the lady who stood outside.

A totally dismayed Mr P glanced back at the lady who stood inside.

 She finally found a chance to say “I just came to say “Hi”. We recently moved into the opposite flat”.